I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize