mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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