All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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