oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize