so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
