Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
