Apparently you make a good broom.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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