Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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