sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
