shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
