I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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