Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
