Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
