drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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