fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize