I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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