I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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