he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
