i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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