Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
