: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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