I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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