How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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