I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
