11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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