Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
