when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
