my phone needs a breathalizer
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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