the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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