at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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