even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
