Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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