The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
