Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
