come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize