If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
