mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
