a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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