I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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