Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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