I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
