Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
