; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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