My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
