Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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