I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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