I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
