We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
