I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
