So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
