people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
