Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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