I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
