11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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