Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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