Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Use "feeling words"
Yay
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
