There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
