You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize