I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
