I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Randomize
