shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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