I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
